I need to be real.

     Let me start out this post saying thank you to all the people who have responded in some way or another to my first post. You are all super encouraging and if it weren't for people like you all, I probably wouldn't make it! I just kind of feel the need to clear up some things I probably could have done there but failed to do. 
     I've had (wonderful, amazing, lovely) people tell me they are happy for me for making the decision to start over and renew my faith, and that means so much to me! You seriously don't understand how much I appreciate hearing that, but I also find myself needing to say that I am NOWHERE near where I want to be/should be. I struggle more than you know with the doubt I talked about previously and it makes praying, trusting, and even persevering extremely difficult. I gave myself my word at the beginning of this journey that I wouldn't give up until I find what it is I'm searching for but some days I feel like I'm wearing so thin that I can't possibly keep going. Sometimes I feel like it would be so easy to just slip back to the way I was and completely disregard the past three months but in reality I know I can't. I don't want to, first of all, but I can't. When I say everything else has taken a backseat, I mean that nothing else is as important as this faith journey I'm on. That doesn't mean I don't put other things ahead of it that I shouldn't; this is why I deactivated Facebook for two months. I don't want to put anything above it. I fail, I stumble, but I'm trying really hard to keep going. It's harder than I thought it would be, and to be honest I did not think I would still be struggling 3 months later. Now I realize it could be 10 years before this stage of my life is over, but if it takes 10 years for me to have a faith that's unbreakable then so be it. I just want to be able to persevere through it all and hold on to the string of hope I have and know that this won't last forever.

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

     I truly appreciate everyone cheering me on! SERIOUSLY, IT'S GREAT! I just wanted to be clear in that I'm not who I want to be, nor is this position one I necessarily want to be in. As I said in my first post, though, I don't see it as a problem because without it my faith couldn't grow. That doesn't mean it's easy. I love you all and just felt that I should be honest.

     But hey, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. I'm gonna be alright.

:)