Well, it's been about a month since I last posted on here. Given that it's Easter and I've heard some good Word today both from hearing Pastor Chris's sermon and having a deep conversation with my friend Colby, I thought I might as well write something. Why not, right?
Let me start off by saying something I've said many times before. I go to THE best church on the planet--Church of the Highlands! HAY! I was talking with Colby earlier about the stage I was at in my life when I stumbled upon Highlands and how crazy of a ride it has been ever since. I remember when I first started going, I would only go every once in a while and usually leave because I felt "awkward." One of the best memories I have of that time was one Sunday just last semester. I had been having an awful week and I remember telling myself I was going to go to church that Sunday, no matter what. Of course Sunday rolled around and as I lay in my bed, I had decided not to go. I battled myself for about an hour until I finally gave in because I knew I would feel guilty if I skipped. I had just enough time to hop out of bed, throw on some decent clothes and get there in time for the 11:30 service. The message Pastor Chris gave that day was on exactly what I had been dealing with throughout the course of the week and I just remembered thinking, "There is no way. How could he have preached on that?" I think it was that day that was the start of something I never saw coming. Pretty soon everything in my life had changed, from my friends to where I will be attending school next fall. I look back on everything that's happened so far and I honestly wouldn't change a single thing.
My earlier posts talk about the struggle I have with doubt. I still battle with that. I also battle with other things that only a few people I'm closest to know about, and I'll leave it that way. I have a hard time trusting God. Most of that stems from the fact that I so often forget how much He loves me. Of all the things to forget, right? I forget that His love is unconditional and that nothing can separate me from it. I worry so much that I'm disappointing God and I struggle with thinking He's upset with me. I forget how big He is sometimes and how forgiving. I mean hello, this Guy sent his own Son to die for ME. That's love. Even though I have trouble grasping that, it's love. I was reminded of that at UnAshamed Thursday after battling with this all last week. God isn't disappointed with me. He sees me trying. Like C.S. Lewis says, "If we only have the will to walk, then God is pleased with our stumbles."
Pastor Chris reminded us today that "It's not over until it's over!" That death is the ultimate "it's over" and Christ defeated that. He touched on types of death, not just physical but moral death, etc. He said that he believes there are three symptoms of death of any sort: exhaustion, emptiness, and feeling trapped. Can I just say that this message was straight to me? It was. I feel this way a lot of the time because of anxiety and barriers hindering my relationship with Christ. I get extremely tired, probably because I try so hard to figure everything out on my own which I can't do. There are times when I feel empty for sure. I definitely feel trapped behind a wall that I can't see coming down--the wall of doubt and confusion. (Refer to previous posts.) But hallelujah IT ISN'T OVER.
I'm so thankful for my CHURCH, for the friends who are encouraging me every day, for God not giving up on me and so many other things.
Yet again, this was a little all over the place. I'm not a writer! I just like to share my thoughts, so bear with me.
HAPPY EASTER!
