Blue Like Jazz.

I LOVE THIS BOOK.

Don Miller is one of my favorite people on the planet. I don't know why I never read this book until now but OH MY GOSH...can I just say one more time that I LOVE THIS BOOK. Anyone who follows me on twitter or tumblr is sitting there thinking "please shut up Anna...we know." I can't shut up about it.

Thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes with y'all. Mostly the ones I relate to really well. (Actually...the whole book pretty much sums up my life, but I won't ruin it for you guys...)
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*spoiler alert* 
HA 

"If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them you get pleasure from their pleasure, and it makes it easy to serve. I didn't love God because I didn't know God."

"Still, I knew, because of my own feelings, there was something wrong with me, and I knew it wasn't only me. I knew it was everybody. It was like a bacteria or a cancer or a trance. It wasn't on the skin; it was in the soul. It showed itself in loneliness, lust, anger, jealousy, and depression. It had people screwed up bad everywhere you went--at the store, at home, at church; it was ugly and deep. Lots of singers on the radio were singing about it, and cops had jobs because of it. It was as if we were broken, I thought, as if we were never supposed to feel these sticky emotions. It was as if we were cracked, couldn't love right, couldn't feel good things for very long without screwing it all up. We were like gasoline engines running on diesel. I was just a kid so I couldn't put words to it, but every kid feels it. (I am talking about the broken quality of life.) A kid will think there are monsters under his bed, or he will close himself in his room when his parents fight. From a very early age our souls are taught there is a comfort and a discomfort in the world, a good and bad if you will, a lovely and a frightening. There seemed to me to be too much frightening, and I didn't know why it existed." YES YES YES.

"Everybody wants to be fancy and new. Nobody wants to be themselves. I mean, maybe people want to be themselves, but they want to be different, with different clothes or shorter hair or less fat. It's a fact. If there was a guy who just liked being himself and didn't want to be anybody else, that guy would be the most different guy in the world and everybody would want to be him."

"And that's the tricky thing about life, really, that the things we want the most will kill us. Tony the Beat Poet read me this ancient scripture recently that talked about loving either darkness or loving light, and how hard it is to love light and how easy it is to love darkness. I think that is true. Ultimately, we do what we want to do. I like to think that I do things for the right reasons, but I don't, I do things because I do or don't love doing them. Because of sin, because I am self-addicted, living in the wreckage of the fall, my body, my heart, and my affections are prone to love things that kill me. Tony says Jesus gives us the ability to love the things we should love, the things of Heaven. Tony says that when people who follow Jesus love the right things, they help create God's kingdom on earth, and that is something beautiful."

"There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere."

"I've had about fifty people tell me that I fear intimacy. And it is true. I fear what people will think of me, and that is the reason I don't date very often. People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn't like me. That is the number one thing that scares me about having a wife because she would have to know me pretty well in order to marry me and I think if she got to know me pretty well she wouldn't like me anymore." --I can identify with him here.
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I'll be finished with this book within the next day or two, whenever I have time to read. Expect a book report. A very very very loving book report. I'm obsessed. I've never related so well to anyone EVER as I do to Don Miller. He's so honest and hilarious and wonderful.

If you haven't read this book, I'm putting my foot down--go buy it! You won't regret it.

Late night ramblings.

     It's 1 in the morning and I can't sleep, so here I am. I have no idea where this post is going... I guess I'll just type what comes to mind.
     It's May 11 now, which is a little weird. That means its been 2 full weeks since the craziest event I've ever experienced took place. I still don't know what to make of the tornado to be honest. It's still unreal to me; maybe because I've only been in Tuscaloosa for a total of 2 days in the aftermath. If anything I've felt a sense of guilt since leaving because this fall, I'm not going back. Thankfully, that feeling is starting to fade and I'm looking onward to my new journey in the wonderful city of Birmingham. Tuscaloosa needs a lot of prayer because the recovery process is going to be a long one. It's been cool seeing the amount of support flowing into town, though.
     Before my new Birmingham life starts, I have a fun-filled summer to look forward to. In 20 days, I'll be embarking on an adventure to the Cayman Islands and Cozumel, Mexico. Yay for cruises! It doesn't get much better than getting out of the country to clear your head. Well, I imagine. This will be a first for me and I am beyond excited.
    So far this summer, I've been spending a lot of time listening to my favorite group of men at the moment: Mumford and Sons. (I know, I'm always obsessed with something but this obsession has lasted a while and I don't see it going anywhere.) I so wish I could have seen them at Railroad Revival. Maybe next time they come around... Enjoy this:

    I've also recently discovered these funny little videos on Youtube called "Kids React." The title says it all. It's basically just this guy asking questions about random things in pop culture or things in the news and kids giving their opinions on the subjects. Absolutely hilarious.

(With that video, I'd like to make a point to say how much respect I have gained for Charlie Sheen after his recent visit to Tuscaloosa. He has a big heart and people don't give him enough credit. This video is still hilarious, though.)

    This is probably the most pointless thing I'll ever post on here, but I gave into my boredom.

It's been a while.

     Well, it's been about a month since I last posted on here. Given that it's Easter and I've heard some good Word today both from hearing Pastor Chris's sermon and having a deep conversation with my friend Colby, I thought I might as well write something. Why not, right?
      Let me start off by saying something I've said many times before. I go to THE best church on the planet--Church of the Highlands! HAY! I was talking with Colby earlier about the stage I was at in my life when I stumbled upon Highlands and how crazy of a ride it has been ever since. I remember when I first started going, I would only go every once in a while and usually leave because I felt "awkward." One of the best memories I have of that time was one Sunday just last semester. I had been having an awful week and I remember telling myself I was going to go to church that Sunday, no matter what. Of course Sunday rolled around and as I lay in my bed, I had decided not to go. I battled myself for about an hour until I finally gave in because I knew I would feel guilty if I skipped. I had just enough time to hop out of bed, throw on some decent clothes and get there in time for the 11:30 service. The message Pastor Chris gave that day was on exactly what I had been dealing with throughout the course of the week and I just remembered thinking, "There is no way. How could he have preached on that?" I think it was that day that was the start of something I never saw coming. Pretty soon everything in my life had changed, from my friends to where I will be attending school next fall. I look back on everything that's happened so far and I honestly wouldn't change a single thing.
     My earlier posts talk about the struggle I have with doubt. I still battle with that. I also battle with other things that only a few people I'm closest to know about, and I'll leave it that way. I have a hard time trusting God. Most of that stems from the fact that I so often forget how much He loves me. Of all the things to forget, right? I forget that His love is unconditional and that nothing can separate me from it. I worry so much that I'm disappointing God and I struggle with thinking He's upset with me. I forget how big He is sometimes and how forgiving. I mean hello, this Guy sent his own Son to die for ME. That's love. Even though I have trouble grasping that, it's love. I was reminded of that at UnAshamed Thursday after battling with this all last week. God isn't disappointed with me. He sees me trying. Like C.S. Lewis says, "If we only have the will to walk, then God is pleased with our stumbles."
     Pastor Chris reminded us today that "It's not over until it's over!" That death is the ultimate "it's over" and Christ defeated that. He touched on types of death, not just physical but moral death, etc. He said that he believes there are three symptoms of death of any sort: exhaustion, emptiness, and feeling trapped. Can I just say that this message was straight to me? It was. I feel this way a lot of the time because of anxiety and barriers hindering my relationship with Christ. I get extremely tired, probably because I try so hard to figure everything out on my own which I can't do. There are times when I feel empty for sure. I definitely feel trapped behind a wall that I can't see coming down--the wall of doubt and confusion. (Refer to previous posts.) But hallelujah IT ISN'T OVER.
     I'm so thankful for my CHURCH, for the friends who are encouraging me every day, for God not giving up on me and so many other things.
    Yet again, this was a little all over the place. I'm not a writer! I just like to share my thoughts, so bear with me.

HAPPY EASTER!

Isn’t There Some Misunderstanding?

March 28, 2011

 

’Let us go to Judea again.’ The disciples said to Him, ’. . . are You going there again?’ —John 11:7-8

     Just because I don’t understand what Jesus Christ says, I have no right to determine that He must be mistaken in what He says. That is a dangerous view, and it is never right to think that my obedience to God’s directive will bring dishonor to Jesus. The only thing that will bring dishonor is not obeying Him. To put my view of His honor ahead of what He is plainly guiding me to do is never right, even though it may come from a real desire to prevent Him from being put to an open shame. I know when the instructions have come from God because of their quiet persistence. But when I begin to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate enter into my mind, I am bringing in an element that is not of God. This will only result in my concluding that His instructions to me were not right. Many of us are faithful to our ideas about Jesus Christ, but how many of us are faithful to Jesus Himself? Faithfulness to Jesus means that I must step out even when and where I can’t see anything (see Matthew 14:29). But faithfulness to my own ideas means that I first clear the way mentally. Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can’t see the way ahead.
     Are you debating whether you should take a step of faith in Jesus, or whether you should wait until you can clearly see how to do what He has asked? Simply obey Him with unrestrained joy. When He tells you something and you begin to debate, it is because you have a misunderstanding of what honors Him and what doesn’t. Are you faithful to Jesus, or faithful to your ideas about Him? Are you faithful to what He says, or are you trying to compromise His words with thoughts that never came from Him? “Whatever He says to you, do it ” (John 2:5).



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My devotion for the day. Maybe someone else needs to read it as much as I did.

From My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

I need to be real.

     Let me start out this post saying thank you to all the people who have responded in some way or another to my first post. You are all super encouraging and if it weren't for people like you all, I probably wouldn't make it! I just kind of feel the need to clear up some things I probably could have done there but failed to do. 
     I've had (wonderful, amazing, lovely) people tell me they are happy for me for making the decision to start over and renew my faith, and that means so much to me! You seriously don't understand how much I appreciate hearing that, but I also find myself needing to say that I am NOWHERE near where I want to be/should be. I struggle more than you know with the doubt I talked about previously and it makes praying, trusting, and even persevering extremely difficult. I gave myself my word at the beginning of this journey that I wouldn't give up until I find what it is I'm searching for but some days I feel like I'm wearing so thin that I can't possibly keep going. Sometimes I feel like it would be so easy to just slip back to the way I was and completely disregard the past three months but in reality I know I can't. I don't want to, first of all, but I can't. When I say everything else has taken a backseat, I mean that nothing else is as important as this faith journey I'm on. That doesn't mean I don't put other things ahead of it that I shouldn't; this is why I deactivated Facebook for two months. I don't want to put anything above it. I fail, I stumble, but I'm trying really hard to keep going. It's harder than I thought it would be, and to be honest I did not think I would still be struggling 3 months later. Now I realize it could be 10 years before this stage of my life is over, but if it takes 10 years for me to have a faith that's unbreakable then so be it. I just want to be able to persevere through it all and hold on to the string of hope I have and know that this won't last forever.

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

     I truly appreciate everyone cheering me on! SERIOUSLY, IT'S GREAT! I just wanted to be clear in that I'm not who I want to be, nor is this position one I necessarily want to be in. As I said in my first post, though, I don't see it as a problem because without it my faith couldn't grow. That doesn't mean it's easy. I love you all and just felt that I should be honest.

     But hey, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. I'm gonna be alright.

:)

After the Storm-Mumford & Sons

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
 
There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.






Can I just say how much I love Mumford and their lyrics? Okay, because I just really love them.

My first post has a horrible title.

     Well, up until this point I've been using Tumblr as a "blog" which I will continue to do but I was convinced to get a blogspot the other day for writing purposes. I guess Tumblr is more appropriate for pictures, videos, etc. So here, I will write. (For all you Tumblr users out there, feel free to follow me at annaelizabethdudley.tumblr.com.)

     I guess I'll use this first post as an opportunity to tell you a little about myself. My name is Anna. I'm a 20 year old Sophomore at Alabama and this is my last semester there. I love Alabama (especially the football) more than many people but I guess it's just not the school for me. I feel like I've had my run and grown as much as I'm going to grow there and it's time for me to move on. In the fall, I plan to transfer to UAB. After changing my major 3 times, I think I've finally decided to go with Special Education because it's always been in the back of my mind. No job could make me happier than working with people with special needs, for one, because they are the happiest people on the planet and I feel that I could learn so much from a job like that. I haven't officially changed my major but this has always been in the back of my mind, and I guess there is a reason for that. School has kind of had to take a back seat in my life recently though, which I have written about on Tumblr recently and don't really want to get into on this post.

     As some of you know, I have recently made several changes in my life (some of which I won't go into too much detail on). This is going to be an abbreviated version of what has been going on in the past few months, but it should give you an idea. Somewhere along the line, I realized through different things going on in my life such as anxiety issues and so on that I had been turning to things that could not possibly help me for guidance and a "cure." Placebos that were just that. I had left out one option who has a name and it's Jesus. So I decided since nothing else had worked or would work, I would turn to the option, to the person, that I had left out all along.  The more I tried to use Jesus (yes, use) for help from obsessive thoughts and worries, the more I realized I never really knew who Jesus is. I grew up in church so I knew what he did and basic information I guess you'd say about him, but never enough to really understand him. I still don't but when I first realized that I know close to nothing about God or about Jesus, I realized that my whole life I have believed in Him mostly just because I was raised to but not because I did for myself.

     So, where do I stand now? I'm learning. I'm starting completely over and learning so that I can have a faith that's my own and not someone else's and hopefully a much stronger faith than I ever had before. I have doubts sometimes and lots of questions and I get extremely confused every now and then, but I'm learning about the character of Jesus. I started researching the apologetics of Christianity when all of this started happening and have learned so much through that alone, so with knowing how little I know and how much there is to learn, I am excited to see where this takes me. I've lost and gained friends through this, and there are some beautiful people who encourage me to keep going even when it is tough. Someone told me a while back that though I may not understand why I have to go through the confusion and doubt right now instead of just easily taking the blind leap that some are able to take, that even though I may get frustrated because everything I've always believed I'm now re-learning for myself, that it is for a reason and it could help someone. So far, they were right and I have gotten to see my "problem" help someone else. It's not a problem though at all. If I weren't going through this, my faith could never grow.

     I'm learning patience.

If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, “because you have kept My command to persevere…” (Revelation 3:10). Oswald Chambers.

   I hope this blog will come in handy. I don't know how much I'll actually write but maybe I'll use it a good bit. I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend (it's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...) and a wonderful end to your spring break if you go to Alabama, Auburn, or whatever other schools are on spring break.

Love y'all.